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Piyal Kariyawasam – ‘Second Time Round, the Silver Bullets Found his Heart’ (trans. Gaya Nagahawatta)

Piyal Kariyawasam is a Sri Lankan writer, theatre activist, lecturer, and director of documentaries. Locally, he has won state awards for fiction and theatre. He has received international scholarships to U.S.A. and India. He represented Sri Lanka at the 1st China-South Asia Literature Forum, China, and at international events in Bhutan and Azerbaijan. He has published 5 works of fiction, as well as producing many theatre and audio-visual pieces.

 

Second Time Round, the Silver Bullets Found his Heart

Before the sudden downpour, the surroundings turned unbearably hot. The usual mild wind twisted and twirled, creating a whirlwind and lashing about. The river of dark clouds that gathered in successive waves, drifting in from the north, spread over the western horizon. Under this stormy sky, in a front room in a disorderly housing complex, he sat at the window, distressed by conflicting thoughts that flitted through his mind. The phrase he was trying to translate was stuck half way, as the inherent absurdity of language wrestled against his thoughts.

Suddenly, a deafening thunderbolt had the entire housing scheme feeling airborne before the rattling settled. Keeping his pen aside, he hastened to the inner chamber, afraid his son would awake. But the little one was sound asleep, with his left thumb completely immersed in his mouth. The father retraced his steps to the front room, seating himself again on the low chair with the armrests, and pulling the wooden board used as a makeshift writing desk, towards himself.

Raindrops the size of silver-coloured lozenges–those one got a handful of for twenty-five cents in a distant childhood–now fell rapidly to the ground and scattered hither and thither. With the falling rain, the soil turned a dark coffee-brown within minutes. The silvery raindrops gathered like glistening shards of broken glass, and in the next instant, disappeared into the coffee-brown murky waters. As the rains continued uninterrupted, small streams formed as if the broken glass had melted. Although he tried to immerse himself in work, with his head bent over his temporary desk, his pen would not move across the blank sheet any more, marking the customary letters. Meanwhile, the characters in the dictionary became more and more illegible, dancing in front of his eyes like doodles of a black ballpoint pen. As his head felt heavy with the thick air that filled the lungs and the nape of his neck ached with the pressure of his bent head, he pressed against the head-rest of his chair and stretched himself.

His view framed by the open doorway brought fresh fear to his mind. It seemed as if the deluge on the outside would inundate his quarters too. Soon enough he realized it was an instant leap in thought occurring with the sudden change in position. Nevertheless, the exterior of his congested abode was being battered by the downpour, and the waters that gushed past on the main road was now a rivulet flowing speedily to the sea. In the next instant he heard the roar of–he believed–a motorboat speeding up the river, which the snaking road was now fast becoming. He steadied his spectacles with his forefinger and peered out, somewhat baffled. The rare sighting of an old C.T.B.[1] bus–a government-owned bus from two decades ago–rattling past in a fashion alien to the surroundings, met his view. As it disappeared from his range of vision, he reminded himself that he was just an ordinary citizen struggling with a mere translation, and focused his attention on the next sentence to be rephrased in Sinhala. A few words jumped out of the mass of text on the page.

Political – patronage – criminals – police

His spectacles seemed covered in a film of vapour that drifted in from the open doorway. Removing it, he wiped it on his faded sarong, tightened into a knot at his waist. As he peered at the text once again, he clearly saw the printed title:

            Political patronage of criminals and police dilemmas

With a momentary exasperation about rephrasing this in Sinhala, he placed his pen on the blank paper and sat back in the chair, glancing at the pouring rain, outside.

When one tried to define a word in translation, not one simple word, but an essay or a thesis seemed to be required to fully explain it. Even then, such meanings were foregrounded by other associations, at points ambiguous. Again and again, what arose was nonsensical uselessness or irrational contradictions.

Musing that rational thought became a sickness in itself, he placed the sheaf of paper he had been working on, the dictionary, the original piece of writing, and the pen, and balancing them on the board, lifted and re-placed the entire array on the armrest, as he got up to go into the inner room.

His son had suddenly woken up and was seated on the bed. Without doubt, the child was still in his dream world. If he was fully awake, he would have definitely come out running and started his own blabber. The father’s first thought was correct. His son turned towards him with a vacant look in his eyes and said, ‘Superman drowned in the sea,’ before lying down again. The father watched him fall asleep once more, breathing deeply, pursuing superman on his descend further down into the depths of the sea. The timepiece on the low stool near the bed indicated twenty minutes past four. The outside world was overcast. The dark rain clouds covering the sky suggested premature onset of darkness.

            Why was the little one still asleep? Was he sick?

Although he felt like getting on the bed and checking the child’s temperature, he remained silently standing for some minutes.

            No, it’s because of the rain he was curled up like this… If it were fever, he would whimper, would be restless and wake up from time to time…

Thinking thus, the father re-entered the room used as the parlour, sitting room and library. Amidst the various books, magazines and dictionaries strewn about on the writing table, in apparent disarray, but possessing a neatness decipherable singularly to himself, he noted the thin notebook.

Those hundred-and-twenty pages comprised his personal journal. Although the tradition of maintaining written records of life experiences was a dying art, he had cultivated this habit from about five years ago, after reading The Master of Petersburg by South African writer J.M. Coetzee. That novel based on Dostoyevsky himself and his fictitious characters, had made him appreciate the thought of keeping daily or at least occasional records, even if he never attempted to write a full-blown novel. Therefore, for the past five years he had been documenting various incidents and experiences of his life in an impromptu manner, not adhering to a rigid daily routine. Sometimes these ad hoc notes from real life had developed into fables, short stories, or film scripts.

            Well, well… do I become Henry James because of these scribbles of mine? Or else Virginia Woolf or Naipaul?

Sarcastic of his own attempts at documentation and fictionalization, he continued to put down thoughts and happenings from his own life and surroundings, shrouding them in absurdities when he felt like doing so.  He felt he could claim ownership of those past moments in his life by writing such stories down with his own hand. Notebook in hand, he seated himself near the window, under the descending twilight, and turned a page at random.

 

2005 – 12 – 21

…I can’t remember exact dates and times. However the entire sky was a deep, brilliant blue. I would sit and recite stories to myself, sometimes in a high-pitched tone. In my imagination, there was always someone listening to these tales.

One day, thaththa[2] went to the paddy field early in the morning as usual, but didn’t return even at dusk. By nightfall our house was filled with village folk of all sorts, types and sizes. Watching the women-folk cry, I too shed tears. Crying continuously, I drifted into sleep. In the dead of night, I suddenly woke up. Thaththa was seated on my swing in the garden and was staring at me. Maybe realizing that I’d woken up, he started talking.

“Stop your mutterings of stories. Or else, they will cut off your tongue – give it to the dogs. To eat.”

With those words he swung backwards on the swing. He never swung back forward. It was dark under the mango tree. I had fallen asleep on the bench under it. Dogs – dogs that eat human tongues… I sprinted into the house without turning back. Thaththa was asleep in a box in the middle of the sitting room. Villagers who had arrived from evening were dozing off on palmyrah-leaf mats laid on the ground. That night, I lost my voice. The moment I think of reciting a tale, images of all manner of dogs gobbling up human tongues, dance before my eyes…

 

He turned to the last entry in the book, which he realized was dated over a month ago. These last entries seemed short, cheap attempts to imitate Eugene Ionesco, Ajith Thilakasena, Samuel Beckett or Harold Pinter, by removing the inherent logic of the piece, by force. Keeping aside the book, he realized that the surroundings were immersed in darkness. A person in their right mind would not be turning pages of a book in such fading light.

As he stood up to switch on the electric light, he noticed from the open window, how the city beyond looked unusually dark. Although he pressed the switch, no light came on. He went to the door and peered out. The rain had subsided and  a thin vapour was rising from the tarred road. All the houses and buildings beyond were submerged in the darkness that continued to spread. The headlights of vehicles that passed by intermittently, blinded the eye.

            Where were the candles? In the drawer of the writing table, or on the spice rack in the kitchen?

Candle in hand, he re-entered the inner room and checked the body temperature of his sleeping child. It seemed normal. Aroused by the father’s touch, his son turned over.

The father took the candle with him to the front room, and placed it on the middle of the table. The positioning allowed the light to also reach the inner room. Gathering the documents and books scattered on and around the low chair near the window, and placing them on the writing table, he sat at the chair accompanying it. With the light of the candle, he could now see the subtitle of the article he was translating.

The Culture of Untruth and a Perilous Vacuum… Hmm… this into Sinhala…”

As he was deep in thought, a wild wind blew in from the open doorway, sending a shiver down his spine, scattering the disorderly photocopied paper all over the floor and threatening the candle flame, before subsiding. He got up to collect his things, also deciding to close the door. As he reached the entranceway, he noticed a sportsbike, which would zoom past with deafening sound under normal circumstances, pass through quite sluggishly. From its rather lethargic movement, he presumed that the motorcycle would come to a halt within a couple of yards, and the anonymous rider, surely light a cigarette.

Reordering the photocopies was not problematic. However, translating in the dim candlelight intensified the exhaustive nature of the task. After securing the photocopies with a paper-clip, he turned back to his personal notebook.

The final few pages contained various notes about daily occurrences and real-life incidents. Based largely on information published in daily newspapers, they were details that needed verification before putting them to any further use. As there was no appeal or investigative quality in them, he closed the book, laid it aside and looked again at the candle. With the door  closed, it burnt with minimal motion. The rain had stopped entirely. Now, not only the sounds of vehicles from the road outside, but also the sounds from the distant roundabout, could be heard clearly.

It seemed as if someone had stepped on to the elongated concrete platform between the drain and the front door and was stamping his shoes free of mud and dirt. The next logical step should be a knock on the door. Instead, the light-bulb hanging from the roof suddenly burned bright, instantly eliminating the darkness that had prevailed throughout the evening. In parallel, the surrounding world bounced into motion, as if someone had breathed life into it.

Thinking how intense the darkness was earlier, he snuffed out the candle and entered the inner room, to switch on its light. The brilliance that suddenly spread across the room caused the little one to squint his eyes. He turned in his sleep, placing a hand across his eyes, but did not show any indication of waking up.

Approaching the table and opening the drawer, the father checked the time on his wristwatch, against the wall clock. Both clocks, in unison, displayed that an hour had passed by. An hour that was mixed with rain clouds amongst the rest of the transformations of an evening into night. Nothing had been translated. The attempts to translate only generated an illogical, hallucinatory, meaninglessness, creating a tension as if aroused from an inherent nervous disorder that had been submerged for some time.

Why was the child sleeping so long? Why did the motorbike go past the house so slowly? Did someone really come to the closed front door and withdraw? Among all this, was he not trying to translate, reports of war secrets accessible only to himself and a handful of other civilians? Were they not writings on state terrorism? Who can say that those who placed these documents in his hands would not become talkative about their whereabouts over a few drinks of whisky? If so, was not his death warrant, already issued? Couldn’t his death be orchestrated fairly easily, even through a simple road accident staged at an opportune time? Once dead, both enemies and friends will probably say… ‘But he did his job well.’

His entire body was bathed in perspiration. This time, someone certainly did step onto the concrete slab in front of the house. In the next moment, even before he could rise from the table, he heard a light kick, which flung open the door. The tall human figure looming in front of his eyes took out a pistol, very much like a toy, and released a few silver bullets. This action reduced the father into a sleeping posture with his head slumped over the table, where all his documents lay. Pulling the door firmly shut, the stranger departed, his task complete.

Although the bleeding did not make him dizzy or benumb him, he felt imprisoned in a huge empty space. When he finally lifted his head, he could see a circle of relatives surrounding him. Beyond them stood personalities he had never seen alive during his lifetime, but had got to know through diverse literary forms. Belonging to various periods of history, King Dhathusena, Subhas Chandra Bose, Christopher Marlowe, as well as those from more recent years such as Saadat Hasan Manto, Sarojini Naidu, Rosa Luxemburg. Each dressed in time-appropriate clothing and carrying travelling bags or pouches to match. Now gathered here as silent onlookers. Among those present, he finally recognized his own father. Clad in a chequered sarong and a cotton banyan, complete with a serpent-skin belt – a trademark of the mudalalis[3] of his time – he carried in his hand, another sarong wrapped in a cellophane bag. Approaching the son, the father said, ‘Lokka[4], it’s time to go…’

With his father’s own words, realization dawned on him that his body was not cooperating with the desires of his mind. The bitter truth of the uselessness of a body that cannot react to its owners commands brought a measure of heaviness to his heart, slowly drawing him into utter emptiness. As he drifted towards this void, the familiar utterance of ‘thaththa… thaththa…’ drew him back with concentrated and undivided attention. Instantly dragged into the material world and immediately earthbound, where his entire personal history was fashioned, he lifted his head and looked up.

His son who had awakened after a long and satisfying sleep had come looking for the father. As he turned to take his son on to his lap, a speeding motorbike braked to a stop, this time for certain, in front of the house. As the rider kicked open the front door, he calmly told his son, “Go to your bedroom, sonny, I’ll come soon”. Then he turned to face the rider, now stepping over the doorway.

¹

 

[The above is a translation of Piyal Kariyawasam’s short story ‘Ridee unnda devaniva vedunida layata’ (given below in its original version) translated from Sinhala by Gaya Nagahawatta, and endorsed by the writer.]

[1]   Ceylon Transport Board

[2]  ‘Father’ in Sinhala

[3] ‘Local merchants’ in Sinhala

[4] ‘Elder (son)’ in Sinhala

 

~

 

රිදී උණ්ඩ දෙවැනිව වැදුණිද ලයට

– පියල් කාරියවසම්ගේ කතාවක්

අකල්වැස්ස වැටෙන්නට පෙර පරිසරය එකවර ගිනියම් වෙයි. කලාපයට ආවේනික මඳනල ඉක්මනින් සුළංකෝඩයකට පෙරළී කැරකෙන්නට වෙයි. උතුරුදිග අහසින් රැලි නැගී පෙරලී එන කළුවලාකුළු ගංගාව බස්නාහිර අහස වසා ගනී. ඒකී අහස හෙවනේ පිහිටි අවිධිමත් නිවාස පද්ධතියක ඇතුළු කාමරයක ඔහු වාඩි වී සිටින්නේ දැල් ජනේලයෙන් එපිට වෙන්වී පෙනෙන්නාවූ කළුඅහස දෙස යොමාගත් දෙනෙතින්, අනියත හැඟීම් මාලාවකින් තැවෙමිනි. පරිවර්තනය කරන්නට උත්සාහ කළ වැකිය එකම තැනක හිරවුනේ භාෂාවේ විකාර සහගත බව හවස්යාමයේම අරගල කරන්නට වූ සිතිවිලි සමඟ ඒකාංශ වෙමින් ඇලී ගැලෙන්නට වූ බැවිනි.

 

එකවරම මුළු නිවාස පේළියම ගුවන්ගතව යළිත් බිම හුන් සේ අකුණක් පුපුරා යයි. ඔහු වහාම පෑන පසෙක තබා, ඇතුල් කාමරයට දිවගියේ හවස් යාමයේ නින්දට වැටී සිටි පුතු පිපිරුම් හඬින් අවදිවී වැලපීම ආරම්භ කොට ඇතැයි හටගත් සිතිවිල්ලෙනි… එහෙත් පුතු වම් මහාපහටැඟිල්ල සම්පුර්ණයෙන්ම මුවේ රුවාගත් වනම සැපසේ නින්දට වැටී සිටී. ඔහු නැවත හැරී ඉදිරි ඉස්තෝප්පු කෑල්ලේ තබා ඇති ඇඳි පුටුවට විත් අසුන් ගත්තේය. එහි ඇන්ද මතට ලියන්නට භාවිත කරන්නාවූ ලෑල්ල ගෙන, පපුවත් කුසත් වෙන්වන ශරීර සීමාවට ඇද ගත්තේය. කුඩා කල සත විසිපහකට දෝතක් ලැබෙන රිදී පැහැති ලොසින්ජර ප්‍රමාණයේ වැසිබිංදු දැන් වේගයෙන් පොළොවට කඩා වැටී විසිරෙයි. නොපෙනී යයි. වැස්ස අල්ලා සිටින්නට වන හෙයින් විනාඩි ගණනක් පොළොවේ පස තද දුඹුරු කෝපි පැහැයට හැරෙයි. අනතුරුව බිම වැටෙනා වැහි බිංදු, නොපෙනී නොයයි. පොළෛාව තැනින් තැන වසාගත් ඉරිතැළුණු වීදුරු පදාස මෙන් එකතැන රැඳෙයි. තවත් දිග්ගැස්සී වැසි වැටෙන්නට වූ විටෙක එකී වීදුරු දියවී ගලා යන්නාක් මෙන් කුඩා දියපාරවල් හටගනී. ලෑල්ලට වාරු වී නමාගත් හිසින් මඳ වේලාවක් පෑන මෙහෙයවන්නට උත්සාහ කලද එය සුදු පැහැති කොලය මත ඉදිරියට පනිමින් වමින් දකුණට වචන මවමින් ගමන් කිරීම සිදු නොවෙයි. ශබ්දකෝෂයේ අක්ෂර වඩාත් අපැහැදිලි වන්නට වන අතර ඒවා කළු බෝල්පොයින්ට් පෑන් ඉරි මෙන් නලියන්නට වෙයි. ආමාශය අධිකතර අම්ලකාරවලින් පිරී ඇති විටෙක බමන්නාක් මෙන් හිස වඩාත් බර වී පිට බෙල්ල ඇදුම්කන්නට වූයෙන් ඔහු වහා හිසත් කයත් පුටුවේ පිටිඇන්දේ දිගා කළේය. එවිට පුටුවට කෙලින් විවෘත වී ඇති දොරපළුවෙන් එපිට ලෝකය සම්පූර්ණයෙන් ජලයෙන් යට වී ඇත්තාක් මෙන්ද තමාද ගිලෙමින් සිටින්නේය යන සිතිවිල්ලෙන් වෙවුලා ගියේය. එහෙත් ඒ ක්ෂණික ඉරියව් මාරුවකදී හටගත් භ්‍රමණ චිත්තාවේශයක් පමණක් වූයෙන් වහා වහලෙන් එපිට ලෝකය වේගයෙන් වැටෙන වැස්සකින් දෝවනය වෙමින් පවතින්නාවූ බවත්, මහ පාර ඔස්සේ ගලා යන්නාවූ ජලය ස්වාභාවික ජල මාර්ගයක් ඔස්සේ ගලන ජලපහරක් මෙන් වේගවත් වී ඇති බවත් වටහා ගත්තේය. තවත් මඳ වේලාවකින් මෙම දොලපාර ඔයක් තරම් මහත් වී ගැඹුරුවෙද්දී ඒ ඔස්සේ මෝටර්බෝට්ටුවක හඬ නැගීඑන්නේ යයි අනුමානය ඇති කරන්නාවූ දෙදරීමක් හටගත් හෙයින් ඔහු වම් දඹරැගිල්ලෙන් උපැස්යුවල නැහැය මැදින් නළලට තල්ලු කොට චකිතයකින් යුතුව බලා සිටියේය. අද කලාතුරකින් පමණක් දැකිය හැකි පැරණි පන්නයේ ලංගම බස්රථයක් එවර ජලමාර්ගය ඔස්සේ නොගැලපෙන ලීලාවකින් ඇදී ගියේය. එය පෙනී නොපෙනී ගිය පසු තමා යළිත් යම් පරිවර්තන කාර්යකට වෙහෙසෙමින් සිටින්නා වූ සරල මනුස්ස ස්වභාවයක් ඇත්තෙක් බව ඔහු තේරුම් ගනිමින් පරිවර්තනය කළ යුතු ඊළඟ වැකිය දෙස බැලුවේය. එවිට ලියවිල්ල මතුයේ පැහැදිලිව දැකගත හැකිවූයේ වචන කිහිපයකි.

 

Political – patronage – criminals – police

 

උපැස්යුවළ පැළඳි කල විවෘත දොරෙන් පාවීඑන්නාවූ ජල වාෂ්පයෙන් එය බොඳවී ඇත්තාක් මෙන් වූයෙන් ඔහු එය ගලවා කුසේ එල්ලී ඇති සරමෙන් පිස දමන්නාවූ අතර නැවත මාවත දෙස දෙනෙත් කුඩාකොට බැලුවේය. එවිට සම්පුර්ණ මුද්‍රිත වැකිය දැකගත හැකි වූයේය.

 

Political patronage of criminals and police dilemmas

 

කොහොමද මේක සිංහලෙන් කියන්නේයි සිතිවිල්ල සමඟ ඔහු නැවත පෑන කෙටුම්පත් කරන්නාවූ සුදුකොළය උඩ තබා පුටුවේ දිගා වූයේය. යළිත් එළිමහනේ වැටෙන වැස්ස දෙස බලා සිටින්නට වූයේය.

කල්පනා කරන්නාවූ විට සිංහලෙන් සංඛේතාර්ථයක් මතු කරගන්නට උත්සාහ කිරීමේදී එක් වචනයක් නොව නවකතාවක්, දීර්ඝ නිබන්ධනයක් ලිවීමට තරම් අර්ථ මතුවී ලියලන්නය පටන්ගනී. එකී අර්ථද පරස්පරතාවයන්ගෙන්, විතර්කයන්ගෙන්, ශංකිතභාවයන්ගෙන් වේලී පවතී. නැවත නැවතත් හටගන්නේ වියුක්ත නොපහන් බවයි, අසතුටයි, බාධාකාරී බවයි.

 

දැන් වචන පහම නොයෙක් වේශයෙන් ගැටෙන්නට පටන්ගනී. කැරකීවිත් පහර දෙන්නාවූ බඹර වලල්ලක් මෙන් සාංකාව දෙගුණ තෙගුණ කරන්නට වෙයි. තර්කය ව්‍යාධිගත මනුස්ස ආත්මයක් නිර්මාණය කරන්නේයයි සිතමින් ඔහු ලියන්නාවූ කොල කිහිපයත්, ශබ්දකෝෂයත්, පරිවර්තනයට ලද ඡායාස්ථිත පිටපත් ලිපියත්, පෑනත්, ලියන ලෑල්ල උඩම අතහැර සීරුවෙන් වැටෙන්නට නොදී සමබර කොට ඔසවා, පුටුඇන්ද මත සමබර කොට තබා ඇතුළු කාමරයට ඇදෙයි.

 

පුතු අවදි වී ඇඳ මත්තේම වාඩි වී හිස් බැල්මෙන් බලා සිටී. ඒකාන්තයෙන්ම දරුවා තවමත් ඇත්තේ සිහින ලෝකයේය. අවදිව සිටියා නම් ඔහු අනිවාර්යයෙන් සයනයෙන් පැන දිවවිත් කූජනය පටන්ගනී. ඔහුගේ සිතිවිල්ල නිවැරදි විය. හිස් බැල්මෙන් ඔහු දෙසට හිස හැරවූ දරුවා  ‘සුපර්මෑන් මූදේ පතුළටම ගිලුණා…’ කියමින් නැවත ඇඳමත බෑවුණේය. ගැඹුරු ලෙස හුස්ම ගනිමින් නින්දට පිවිසුණේය. නැවත ගැඹුරු මුහුදු පතුලේ හුදෙකලාව ගිලීයමින් සිටින සුපර්මෑන් ලුහුබැඳීම ආරම්භ කලේය. සයනය අසල මිටිමේසයේ තැන්පත්ව ඇති ටයිම්පීස් ඔරලෝසුව පෙන්නා සිටින්නේ සම්මත වේලාව සවස හතරයි විස්ස බවයි. බැලූ බැල්මට වැහි අන්ධකාරයෙන් වැසී ඇති අවට ලෝකයේ ඇත්තේ දැන් දැන් රාත්‍රිය එළඹෙන්නාවූ බව කියාපාන්නවූ මන්දාලෝකයකි.

 

බට්ටා මෙච්චර වේලාවක් නිදාගන්නේ මොකද, උණවත් ගැනිලද?

 

ඇඳට ගොඩ වී දරුවා අල්ලා බැලීමට සිත්වුවද ඔහු නොසෙල්වී මඳ වේලාවක් බලා සිටියේය.

 

නෑ වැහි හීතලටයි ඔහොම ගුලිවෙලා නිදියන්නේඋණ හෙම්බිරිස්සාවට නංකෙඳිරි ගානවනේ, විටින්විට ඇඹරිලා අවදි වෙනවානේ… යි සිතමින් ඔහු එවර නැවත පුස්තකාලයටත්, ආලින්දයටත්, අමුත්තන්ගේ කාමරයටත්, යන සියල්ලටම භාවිත කරන්නාවූ කුටියට අවතීර්ණ වූයේය. එහි මේසය මත්තේ බැලූ බැල්මට අපිළිවෙල, තමාට පමණක් පිළිවෙළක් ඇති පොත්, වාර සඟරා, ශබ්දකෝෂ කිහිපයක් අතර හිරවී ඇති අභ්‍යාස පොත දුටුවේය.

 

එකී පිටු එකසිය විස්සේ අභ්‍යාස පොත ඔහුගේ පෞද්ගලික සටහන් පොතයි. ජීවිතයේ මුහුණ දෙන සුවිශේෂ සිද්ධි අවස්ථා සටහන් කර තබන්නාවූ ඉපැරණි දිනපොත් සංස්කෘතිය දැනට ලෝකයේම අභාවයට යමින් පවතින පිළිවෙතක් වන්නේ මුත් ඔහු මෙකී චර්යාවට එළඹියේ දැනට වසර පහකට පමණ පෙර        අප්‍රිකාවේ වාසය කරන්නාවූ ඉංග්‍රීසි නවකතාකරුවෙකු වන ජේ. එම්. කොයිට්සිගේ මාස්ටර් ඔෆ් පීටර්ස්බර්ග් නවකතාව කියැවීමෙනි. දොස්තොව්ස්කිගේ සැබෑ ජීවිතයේ අවස්ථා සහ ඔහු අතින් නිර්මාණය වූ අග්‍රගන්‍ය ප්‍රබන්ධමය චරිත වටා ගෙතුනු එම නවකතාව කියැවීමෙන් පසු නවකතාවක් නොලිව්වාට අඩු ගණනේ දින සටහන් ටිකක් හෝ ලියා තැබීමෙන් නරකක් වන්නේ නැතැයි කල්පනා කළ ඔහු දැනට වසර පහක් තිස්සේ දිනපතා නොලීවද ඉඳහිට සටහන් තබයි. එමෙන්ම කල්යෑමේදී එකී සටහන් දින සටහන් පමණක් නොව උපමාකතා, කෙටි වස්තු බීජ, අත්භූත ප්‍රවෘත්ති, සිනමා තිරරචනයක දර්ශන කිහිපයක්, අතීත ස්මාරණ යනාදි වශයෙන් විවිධ ආකෘතිවලට පෙරළුණේය.

 

අනේඅනේමං ඉතිං මේවා ලිව්වා කියලා හෙන්රි ජේම්ස් වෙනවද? නැත්තං වර්ජිනියා වුල්ෆ්නයිපොල් වගේ වෙනවද? කමක් නෑ බලමු

 

ඔහු තමාටම සිනාසෙමින් දිගින් දිගටම සරල සංසිද්ධීන්ගේ සිට තාර්කිකත්වයෙන් වටහාගත නොහැකි විකාර සහගත සිතිවිලි පවා ලිවීම තුළ ස්වාත්මීකරණයට ලක්කර ගැනීමට වෙර දරමින් ලිව්වේය. සටහන් පොත සමඟ ඉස්තෝප්පුවට ඇදුණු ඔහු මන්දාරම් එළිය යට පුටුවේ බෑවී නිශ්චිතබවකින් තොරව පිටුවක් පෙරලා ගත්තේය.

 

2005/12/21

….ඒ කාලේ දිනවකවානු මට මතක නෑ. ඒත් ඒ කාලේ මුළු ලෝකෙම දීප්තිමත් අහස් නිල්ලකින් වැහිලා තිබුණා වගේ මට මතකයි. මං තනියම කතන්දර කිව්ව කාලයක් ඒක. කවුරුහරි ඒ කතා අහගෙන ඉන්නවා කියලා මට හිතුනා. මං උස් හඬකින් හද හදා කතන්දර කිව්වා.

දවසක් තාත්තා උදේම කුඹුරට ගියාට පස්සේ ආයෙත් රෑ වෙනකල්ම ගෙදරට ආවේ නෑ. ඒත් රෑ වෙනකොට ගෙදර ගමේ ගෑණු අයගෙන් මිනිස්සුන්ගෙන් පිරුණා. ගෑණු අය අඬනවා බලාගෙන උන්න මාත් ඇඬුවා. ඇඬිල්ලත් එක්ක මට නින්ද ගියා. රෑ මද්දැවේ එක පාරටම මට ඇහැරුණා. මෙන්න එනකොට තාත්තා මගේ ඔංචිල්ලාවේ වාඩිවෙලා මං දිහා බලාගෙන ඉන්නවා. මං ඇහැරිච්ච බව දැනගත්ත නිසාදෝ තාත්තා කතා කරනවා.

 

ඔය කතා කියවිල්ල නවත්තපං. නැත්තං උන් උඹේ දිව කපලා, බල්ලන්ට කන්ඩ දායි…”

 

එහෙම කියලා එකපාරටම තනියම පිටිපස්සට පැද්දුනා. ආයෙත් ඉස්සරහට පැද්දිලා ආවේ නෑ. අඹ ගහ යට කළුවරයි. මං නින්දට වැටිලා තියෙන්නේ අඹ ගහයට බංකුවේ. බල්ලෝමිනිස් දිවවල් කන බල්ලෝමං එකපාරටම ගෙට දිව්වා. ගේ මැද්දේ පෙට්ටියක තාත්තා නිදි. වටේටම හැන්දෑවේ ආව මිනිස්සු තල් කොළ පැදුරු එලාගෙන නිදි. එදා ඉඳන් මං ගොළු උනා. කතන්දරයක් කියන්න හිතෙනකොටම මට මැවිලා පේන්නේ මිනිස් දිවවල් තළුමරණ බල්ලෝ

 

සටහන් පොතේ අගපිටු පෙරලා බැලූ ඔහු දුටුවේ මාසයකින් පමණ කිසිඳු සටහනක් තබා නොමැති බවයි. එමෙන්ම ඉන් එපිට ලියැවී ඇති සමහරක් කෙටි සටහන් අයනෙස්කෝ, අජිත් තිලකසේන, බෙකට්, පින්ටර් අනුකරණය කරන්නට ගත් බාල උපක්‍රම මෙන් තර්කය වැරවෑයමින් ඉවත් කරන්නට ගත් උත්සාහයන් වූයේය. පොත වසා දමා අවට බැලූ ඔහු වටහාගත්තේ තමා දැඩි අන්ධකාරයකට කොටු වී ඇත්තාවූ බවයි. ප්‍රකෘති සිහිය ඇත්තෙක් මෙවැනි අන්ධකාරයකදී පොත් පිටු පෙරලන්නේ නැත.

 

විදුලිය දල්වා ගන්නට නැගී සිටියදී විවෘත එකම ජනේලයෙන් එපිට නගරයද සම්පූර්ණයෙන් අන්ධකාරයේ ගිලී ඇති සැටි ඔහු දුටුවේය. ජේනුව සන්ධි කළද ආලෝකය හට ගත්තේ නැත. ඔහු සෙමෙන් දොර අසලට ගොස් දෙපස බැලුවේය. වැස්ස තුරල් වී පැවැති අතර මාර්ගය තුනී දුම්වලාවකින් වැසී ඇත්තාක් මෙනි. අවට උස්-පහත් සියළු නිවාස සහ ගොඩනැගිලි අන්ධකාරයේ ගිලී ඇත්තේය. ඉඳහිට දෙපසට ගමන්ගන්නා වාහන ඉදිරි ලාම්පු මිනිස් ඇස ගිනිකන වට්ටවයි.

 

ඉටිපන්දම් ඇත්තේ කොහේද? ලියන මේසයේ ලාච්චුවේද…? කුළුබඩු දමන්නාවූ පෙට්ටියේද…?

 

දැල්වූ ඉටිපන්දම සමඟ නැවත ඔහු පුතු නින්දට වැටී සිටින්නාවූ ඇතුලු කාමරයට ගමන් කළේය. පෙරලී සිටි ඉරියව් වෙනස් වී ඇත්තේ මුත් පුතු ගැඹුරු හුස්ම හෙළමින් නිදයි. ඉටිපන්දම සමඟම සයනයට ගොඩවූ ඔහු දරුවාගේ ලැමට අතතබා බැලුවේය. ස්වාභාවික ශරීර උෂ්ණය ඉක්මවූ ස්වාභාවයක් දරුවා දරා සිටින්නේ නැත. කල්පනා කරද්දීම දරුවා ඔහුගේ ස්පර්ශයෙන් අවදිවූ ආකාරයක් දක්වා ඉරියව් වෙනස් කරගනිමින් සසල වූ අතර වම් ඇලයෙන් දකුණු ඇලයට හැරුණේය.

 

ඇඳෙන් බැසගත් ඔහු එවර ඉටිපන්දම ගෙන ගොස් මැද කාමරයේ මේසයේ හිටි සෙයියාවෙන් ඇලෙව්වේය. එවිට නටන ඉටිපන්දම් එළිය ඇතුල් කාමරයට වදී. ඉස්තෝප්පුවේ පුටුව වටා විසිරී ඇති ලියවිලි ගොන්න පොත්පත් තුරුලු කරගනිමින් මේසය මත තබා එයට පරිවාර අසුනේ අසුන් ගත්තේය. මෙවර ඉටිපන්දම් දැල්ල යට ආලෝකමත්ව පෙනෙන්නට වූයේ පරිවර්තනය කරමින් සිටි ලිපියේ අගට යෙදී ඇති අනු මාතෘකාවකි.

 

The Culture of Untruth and a Perilous Vacuum… දාපංකෝ මේක සිංහලට…”

 

කල්පනාව තියුණු වෙද්දී ඉදිරිපස විවෘත දොරපළු අතරින් ගලා ආ තරමක් සැඬ සුලං රැල්ලක් හමාවිත් ගත හිරිවට්ටමින් නොනැවතී අපිළිවෙල ඡායා පිටපත් ගොන්න කාමරය පුරා සීසීකඩ වපුරවා ඉටිපන්දම් දැල්ලටද තර්ජනයක් පා සිඳීගියෙන් ඔහු නැගිට්ටේය. පිටු කිහිපය අහුලා ගන්නට පෙර දොර වසා දැමීමට ඉටාගනිමින් ඉදිරි දොර දෙසට ගමන් කළේ, දොර වසා දමන්නාවූ කෙටි කාලපරතරයේදී ඔහු එවර සාමාන්‍ය වේගයකදී දෙසවන් හිරි වට්ටමින් ගමන් ගන්නා ස්පෝට්ස් වර්ගයේ බයිසිකලයක් ඉතා සෙමෙන් ඇදී යනවා දුටුවේය. එය ගමන්ගත් වේගය අනුව ඉතාමත් නුදුරින් එය නවත්වා එහි ගමන්ගන්නා ඇත්තා සිගරට්ටුවක් දල්වා ගන්නවා ඇත්තේ යයි සිතමින් ආපසු හැරුණේය.

 

ඡායාරූප කොලගොන්න පිලිවෙලකට අනුව පෙළ ගැස්වීම අපහසු නොවීය. එහෙත් ඉටිපන්දම් ආලෝකයෙන් පරිවර්තනයේ යෙදීම අපුල කර්ක‍ෂ බව තවත් වැඩි කරයි. ඇමුණුම් කටු දෙකකින්ම ඡායාපිටපත් අමුණා තබා නැවත තමාගේම පෞද්ගලික සටහන් පොත ගෙන එහි තරමක් මෑත භාගයකට අයත් අග පිටු අතරින් කිහිපයක් ගෙන පෙරළාගෙන කියවන්නට වූයේය.

 

ඒ පිටුවල ලියා ඇතිතේ දිනපතා සිදුවන සාමාන්‍ය සිදුවීම් සහිත සටහන් කිහිපයකි. එදිනෙදා පුවත්පත්වල පල වෙන්නාවූ තොරතුරු පිළිබඳ ලියා ඇති ඒ සටහන් බොහෝමයක් තුළ ඇත්තේ අනාගතයේදී තහවුරු කරගත යුතු කරුණු ගොන්නකි. ඒවායේ කිසිඳු රසවත්භාවයක් හෝ විමර්ෂණාත්මක ගුණයක් නොමැති හෙයින් ඔහු පොත වසා තබා නැවත ඉටිපන්දම දෙස බැලුවේය. දොර වසා දැමූ හෙයින් එය නොසෙල් වී මන්ද චලිතයකින් යුතුව දැල්වෙයි. වැස්ස සම්පූර්ණයෙන් නතර වී ඇත. දැන් ගෙයි ඉදිරි මාර්ගයේ පමණක් නොව, ඈතින් දකුණුපසින් පිහිටා ඇති වටරවුමේ පවා කැරකෙන වාහන එන්ජින් හඬ පැහැදිලිව ඇසෙයි.

 

යමෙක් කානුවත්, ඉදිරිපස දොරපළුවත් අතර දික් අතට සවිකර ඇති කුඩා ක්‍රොන්ක්‍රීට් ලෑල්ලට ගොඩ වී බර අඩි ඇති හම් සපත්තු පිසදමන හඬක් ඇසෙයි. ඒ හඬට අනුව ඊළඟ ඇසිල්ලේ විය යුත්තේ දොරට මිටින් ඇණීමකි. එහෙත් ඒ වෙනුවට සිදුවූයේ දෙනෙත් නිලංකාර කරවමින් වහලයෙන් එල්ලී බිමට නැඹුරු වූ විදුලිබුබුල ආලෝකමත්ව අන්ධකාර කැබලිති පිලිස්සී අතුරුදහන් කිරීමයි. ඊට සමගාමීව අසල්වැසි ලෝකය එකවර මහා ජීවයක් ලද්දාක් මෙන් පණ ගැන්වෙයි.

 

ගතකළ අන්ධකාරය කොතරම් තියුණු බරසාර වූයේද යන්න කල්පනා කරමින් ඔහු එවර ඉටිපන්දම නිවා දමා ඇතුල් කාමරයට වැදී එහි විදුලිපහන දැල්වූයේය. එකවර පැතිරී කුටිය පුරවාලූ විදුලි ආලෝකයෙන් වැසී ඇති සිනිඳු දෙනෙත් පියන්, දැවුණාක් මෙන් වෙවුලා ගියද, නින්දේම හැරී එක් අතකින් දෙනෙත් මුවා කරගත් පුතු අවදිවූ බවක් නම් දැක්වුයේ නැත.

 

ලියන මේසයට බර වූ ඔහු ලාච්චුව විවෘත කර අත් ඔරලෝසුව ගෙන, බිත්තියේ එල්ලී ඇති ඔරලෝසුව සමඟ සංසන්දනය කර බැලුවේය. ගෙවී ඇත්තේ සාමාන්‍ය සරල පැයකි. සවස්යාමයකින් හැන්දෑවකට විපර්යාස්ථ වන සියළු උරුමයන් සමඟ වැහිඅඳුරද කැලතී ඇති පැයකි. ඔරලෝසු දෙකම පෙන්නා සිටින්නේ එකම වේලාවකි. පරිවර්තනය කළ කිසිම වැකියක් නොමැත. එහිලා ගත් උත්සහායෙන් උපන් හාස්‍යජනක, අතාර්කික, මායාමය, අර්ථ විරහිතභාවය ශරීරය අරක්ගෙන පැවති නිදන්ගත ස්නායු රෝගයක් අවදි කලාක් මෙන් ආතතිය වඩවයි.

 

පුතු මෙසා දීර්ඝ නින්දකට වැටී ඇත්තේ මන්ද? මෝටර්බයිසිකලය ගෙයි ඉදිරිපිටින් සෙමෙන් ගමන් කලේ මන්ද? යමෙක් සත්තකින් ගෙයි වැසුණු දොර ආසන්නයට විත් යළිත් පසු බැස්සේද? සියල්ල අතරේ තමා මෙතෙක් පරිවර්තනය කරන්නට උත්සාහ කළේ තමාත් තවත් සිවිල් පුරවැසියන් දෙතුන් දෙනෙකුත් අතර පමණක් ඇත්තාවූ යුධ රහස් පිළිබඳ වාර්තා නොවන්නේද? රාජ්‍ය ත්‍රස්තවාදය පිළිබඳ ලිපි ලේඛණ කිහිපයක් නොවේද? මේ ලේඛණ තමා අතට පත් කළ ඇත්තන්ට කොයි යම් මොහොතකදී දැනටමත් මේවා සිංහලට පෙරළෙමින් ඇති බව, විස්කි වීදුරු කිහිපයක් හමුවේ දොඩමළුව නොසිටී යයි කිව හැක්කේද? කුමණ්ත්‍රණයේදී බෲට්ස් හට පවා දිව්රුම් ලබාගත නොහැකි වූයේය. එසේනම් දැනටමත් තමාගේ මරණ වරෙන්තුව නිකුත් කොට නොමැත්තේද? කල්යල් බලා සුදුසුම මෙහොතකදී හට ගන්වන සරල රිය අනතුරක් වැන්නක් ඔස්සේ තමාගේ මරණය සිදුවිය නොහැකිද? මියගියාට පසු සතුරු මිතුරු දෙපාර්ශවයම… ‘But he did his job well’ යයි කියනු ඇත්තේය.

 

සර්වාංගයම දහඩියෙන් තෙමී පැවති හෙයින් ඔහු ලියන මේසයෙන් නැගිට්ටේය. එවිට දොර අසල කොන්ක්‍රීට් ලෑල්ලට යමෙක් නියත වශයෙන්ම ගොඩවූ පා හඬ ඇසුණි. අනතුරුව ඔහු දෙපා මාරු කරන්නටද පෙර සැහැල්ලු කෙටි පා පහරකින් දොර විවෘත වන හඬ ඇසුවේය. දොර අසල ජීවමාන වූ උස් මිනිස් ශරීරය, සෙල්ලම් පිස්තෝලයක් තරමේ කුඩා පිස්තෝලයක් සාක්කුවෙන් ගෙන, ගිනියම් රිදී උණ්ඩ කිහිපයක් මුදා හැරියේය. සිය ලේඛණ ගොඩගැසී ඇති මේසය මත්තේම හිස ගසාගෙන නින්දට වැටුණු ඉරියව්වකට ඔහු පත්කළ අමුත්තා, දොර තිබූ ආකාරයෙන්ම පිටතින් ඇද වසා දමා නික්මුණේය.

 

ලේ ගලායාම සමඟ හටගන්නා කෙටි ක්ලාන්තගතිය, හිරිවැටීම හට නොගත්තේ මුත්, මහා හිස් රික්තයක් තුල තමා සිරවී ඇති බව පමණක් ඔහුට දැනුනේය. ඒ ද කෙටි කාලපරාසයකට පමණි. හිස ඔසවා බැලූ ඔහු දුටුවේ තමා වටකොට සිටින්නාවූ ඥාති මිත්‍ර සමුහයකි. එකී පිරිසට එපිටින් වක්‍රකාරව කුඩා ඉඩක තෙරපී සිටින්නේ කිසිදිනෙක පියවි සිහියෙන් නොදුටු නොයෙක් පොතපතින් හදුනාගත් චරිත සමූහයකි. විවිධ යුගවලට අයත් ඔවුන් අතර ධාතුසේන රජු, සුබාෂ් චන්ද්‍ර බෝෂ්, ක්‍රිස්ටෝපර් මාලෝ පමණක් නොව මෑත යුගයට අයත් සදාත් හසන් මන්තෝ, සරෝජිනි නායිදු, රෝසා ලක්සම්බර්ග් පවා නිහඬව ඔහු දෙස බලා සිටී. තමතමන්ගේ තරාතිරමට අනුව සැරසී සිටින්නාවූ ඔවුන් විවිධ ආකාරයේ ගමන්මලු එල්ලාගෙන නිහඬව බලා සිටිති. අවසානයේ ඥාතිසමූහයා අතරින් ඔහු සිය පියා හඳුනාගත්තේය. කොටුසරමක් සහ මේස්බැනියමක් හැඳ ඉණට අලියා පටියක් බැඳ සිටින ඔහුගේ අතේ ඇත්තේ ඉටි කොලයකින් එතූ සරමක් පමණි. ඔහුට සමීප වූ පියා, කතා කලේය. “ලොක්කා යං දැන්, වේලාව හරි…”

 

එවිට තමාට නැගී සිටින්නට උවමනා බවත්, එහෙත් ශරීරය ඔහුට වලංගු නොවන බවත් තේරුම් ගත්තේය. එකී සිතිවිල්ල අනුව තමන්ට අවනත නොවන ශරීරයකින් පළක් නොමැත්තේය යන තැවීම හට ගත්තේය. තැවීමද ඉක්මවා හිස්බවක් කරා තමා ඇදී යන්නාවූ බව පසක් කොට ගත්තේය. එහෙත් එසේ ඇදී යන්නා වූ කළ… ‘තාත්තා… තාත්තා…’ යනුවෙන් නැගී ආ හඬක් ඔස්සේ ක්ෂණයකින් හිස්බව ඉක්මවා ඓන්ද්‍රීය ලෝකය අත්පත් කරගනිමින් දැඩි වේගයකින් සිය ඉතිහාසය දරා සිටි මහ පොළොව කරා යළිත් පැමිණෙමින් හිස ඔසවා බැලුවේය.

 

දීර්ඝ නින්දකින් පසු හුදෙකලාව ඇඳෙන් බැසගත් පුතු මේසය අසලට ඇදී විත් ඔහුගේ ආසනයේ වම්පස ඇන්දේ එල්ලී බලා සිටී. පුතු ඇකයට ගන්නට හැරෙද්දී වේගයෙන් පැමිණි ස්පෝට්ස් වර්ගයේ මෝටර් සයිකලය එවර නම් නියත වශයෙන්ම ගෙයි ඉදිරිපිට නතර වෙයි. කොන්ක්‍රීට් ලෑල්ල මත්තේ සිට ඔසවා ගැසූ පා පහරින් දොර ලෑලි දෙක එකවර ඇතුළට විවරවෙද්දී, ඔහු කලබලයකින් තොරව “ඔයා ආපහු ඇඳට දුවන්න. මං එන්නං ඉක්මණට” කියමින් පුතුට ඇතුල් කාමරය දක්වා, දොර පඩියට ගොඩවූ පුද්ගලයා දෙසට හැරුණේය

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Literary Nonfiction, Uncategorized

Yejia Zhang – ‘The Cyclical Nature of Everything’

Yejia Zhang is a second-generation Chinese Canadian studying Medicine in Ontario, Canada. She seeks to use the arts to explore pluralism and eventually inform her future practice. For her, stories are crucial to illuminating the complexity of people and their differing needs in a field that is intrinsically human.

 

The Cyclical Nature of Everything

On July 1st at 10 p.m., my father drives me to the Toronto Pearson Airport. Unlike the interaction that would have unfolded a couple of years prior, the hour becomes filled with chatter.

“I really recommend visiting Huangshan, or Yellow Mountain, someday. Your mother and I had our honeymoon there.”

“Oh, really?” I ask, having heard the stories mentioned but not having the associations needed to etch each distinct place into memory. “What was it like?”

“We took a nine-hour bus to get there, stopping in Anhui along the way to eat. The place didn’t even have running water, but the food was delicious. We met two girls along the way and quickly became friends – we were young then, so it was easy.”

I know that my father, who only ever complained about not being able to provide more for us, would not have had it any other way. As the freeway takes us arching high above the ground, before us emerges a vast sea of lights speckled with fireworks for Canada Day.

“The mountain was beautiful,” he continues, “but accommodations at the top were very expensive, and we had no money. So your mother and I got bundled up and spent the night in a cafeteria. Even then, we were very happy.”

I imagine two figures laughing amid food scraps and crumbs, just married, dirt poor, and full of life.

“Did you actually fall asleep?”

“Of course, right there on the ground. And we woke up the next morning to see the sunrise.”

“It must’ve been breathtaking.”

“It was. There’s a name for the five most beautiful mountains in China, called 五岳. But they say that if you go to Huangshan, you won’t even want to see the five.”

I listen in awe as images fill my mind and colour the blackness of the night. Without a sense of time, we pull into the airport parking lot. He helps me bring my luggage inside and reminds me for the umpteenth time not to lose my passport.

“Text me when you pass security, and then I’ll leave,” he assures me. “And remember to update us regularly throughout your trip.”

I vigorously affirm his every instruction, aware of the disputes my parents had over my safety and the paranoia my father had to overcome for me to now find myself in this airport.

When it’s time to go, I find it difficult to part ways – it always is, because the journey is always a long one. But this time I stand confidently to reassure him of the trust he put in me, and take a step toward a home full of characters I cannot read.

“See you in two months,” I say, and heave my bags onto my shoulder.

I imagine my parents at the top of the mountain, starry-eyed and eager to see the world. Waving goodbye, I pass through the gates.

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Kan Ren Jie – ‘Amnesia in the Forest of Steles’

Ren Jie writes poetry and fiction. He recently graduated from Yale-NUS College in Singapore, majoring in Literature and Creative Writing, and currently works at NYU Shanghai as a Global Writing and Speaking Fellow. In his writing, Ren Jie engages with and explores questions about culture, religiosity, and the experience and narratives that surround familial life.

 

Amnesia in the Forest of Steles

 

Beilin, Xi’an

 

Confronted, then with chapped

strokes, the distant cry of a hanging cross.

I touch brittle stone. I touch words

 

longing to form calluses. To grace the well-worn

mouth.  To ride the body, pooling themselves

 

as fleshly growths. In my own tradition

I speak sagas of waking men, pumping petroleum

 

into hotheaded veins. I sing of glue-smugglers:

the inky substance, like honeycomb ooze

 

sniffed to coax the sky

into star-less dance. I hear darkness

 

as severance, where cheap plastic burns the edges,

revealing longing. Yet this forest cuts. Metastasis,

 

where hands require amputation. Fingers

creep like treebark, arms dappled like branches

 

where tendrils ooze pustules, thick now

with pus. A memorial

fudges words. The glue-smuggler. Petroleum.

 

Desperate, I sing the warmth of playground plastic,

of the night hued purple and grey

 

some dizzying miasma of sparks

that speak human. Yet the groundskeeper’s broom

 

silences. Sacred, a body must tear and rise,

like sprites. Like crackled leaves,

we drift to form sky.

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Kan Ren Jie – ‘Three Business Days Abroad’

Ren Jie writes poetry and fiction. He recently graduated from Yale-NUS College in Singapore, majoring in Literature and Creative Writing, and currently works at NYU Shanghai as a Global Writing and Speaking Fellow. In his writing, Ren Jie engages with and explores questions about culture, religiosity, and the experience and narratives that surround familial life.

 

Three Business Days Abroad

 

  1. When three days’ reply is too long. Here is a glittering mesh of sun and steel. Here the construction of a crane, like a half-bow, to a cloudless sky, missing the sun. Scaffolding is tribute, twisted like a nest of harsh lines.

 

  1. This dimple of dust is impurity. Fragrance is anesthetized: the sterility of office floors, swept clean, fogged hourly. Fogged like the traces of home. Fogged like the swirl of raindrops: a summer storm, brittle needles shattering into blackened streams. Drip down to gutter-water drains, to refuse.

 

  1. Rotund hopes can only stop and sink. A globule of whiteness hovers, like some calcified hope, clinging to a paycheck, to blankness.

 

  1. These office walls soak the chatters. Your stutter, your chinese is violence concealed, peeling off the walls, spittle landing on coat and suit. Wilting, your starched collar flattens into silence.

 

  1. On the bus home, creases of your shirt fall like waves, enveloped by a springy ooze, the pooling of yellowing sponge. A sticky urge, collapsing between fingers.

 

  1. This brief shower reminds you of absence. Outside, a company of mosquitoes hovers over puzzles, the wriggling structures of a newborn, hatching like thin reeds. They rise like fragmented rust; like autumn snowfall, offerings to a troubled sky.

 

  1. You scramble stray threads. In loose ends, some semblance of warmth. Her long hair like blessing, some healing for the stretch marks.  The crook of her arm, the coarseness of your sheets.

 

  1. The dirt track has since become waterlogged. Your fingers curl for warmth, in puddles that splash against the ankles. Stiffened hairs, dampened fabric-worn socks, drifting like spidery foam. Spring rain pools like stains of darkness.

 

  1. The whispery cry of a toilet door, cleaving itself ajar. The creaks, the sudden gusts of wind. A thin silver of light: like absolution, like some searching for sleep.

 

  1. The thunderclap feels foreign. The new glasses speak exclusion. You gasp at the tepidity of tapwater, at the gleam of a half-shadow, the whiteness of a sink. Another city’s water always tastes bitter.

 

  1. When you wonder: “Is this home?” Your baldness stares back, a glimmer, an egg; where lamplight frames a face, swollen like a thin bulb, tired on windy nights.

 

  1. But the city cares not for tired eyes. The pounding, the shrill cry, rising in construction thin as graves, rising as a shower of sparks. Cities build their roots on scars.

 

  1. You refresh your inbox. You wait for an answer.
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Greg Baines – ‘About a Saint’

is called

(Was) ‘Revolutionary’.

distorted t shirt fronts

feet buried

in concrete.

 

words swallowed

self-help pills.

In bronze.

Syntax torn

from lingering
roots.

#.

sold.

 

bright plastic

petrochemical packaging.

sacred phrases

fired from
relentless rifled lips

by those who would have sunk the nails in

(Then).

 

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Fiction, Uncategorized

Laetitia Keok – ‘Memorabilia’

Laetitia Keok is a poet, writer, & English Literature student from Singapore. Her work has appeared in Vagabond City Lit, Tongue Tied Magazine & elsewhere. 

 

Memorabilia

 

Shanghai is so much like Singapore—another cityscape brimming with new beginnings.

You step out of a six-hour flight into a world that still seems unchanged, your entire life stuffed into a single luggage that spills out onto the carpeted floor of the new place. Years later you will realise that every uprooting was a kind of violence, years later you will not know how to fit the fragments together, but for now, you are eight and in a new country and it is almost exciting.

For now, this has to be home.

You live in 徐家汇, on the 16th floor. There is a window overlooking the carpark, from which you squint to look at every car’s plate number. There is another window that overlooks nothing. There is a painting that you decide looks like a dog (before you learnt what abstract was), and a hallway light that goes out every two weeks. When you forget the access card to the building, you press your face to the glass door until the old lady with three dogs lets you in. It is a place you do not bother to remember, or even to photograph. Only years later will you recognise the dull ache of a fading memory, scrambling for an image that no longer exists.

Now though, you stumble only over explaining the difference between mee kiat and mee pok to a noodle store owner, who ends up not having either. You hunt supermarket aisles with your mother for tau kee and kangkong, memorising their Mandarin variations.

Does a place become a home, simply by way of inhabiting it?

Your mother says: we look just like locals until we open our mouths, and for months you are afraid to speak—to tell the truth of your unbelonging. Between mouthfuls of chicken rice at a “Singaporean restaurant”, you catch the eyes of strangers who speak unapologetic Singlish—faster lah, oi don’t anyhow—and you love them for that.

You savour every reminder of Singapore like a spreading warmth: ready-to-cook laksa paste, bak kut teh spice sachets that your grandmother sent over.

There are still things you have not unpacked, relics from another life, untouched by the Shanghai air.

*

Shanghai is surprising.

外滩 is more beautiful than you’d thought it would be. At night, you cannot stop staring at the streetlights glistening in the river’s reflection. You are dazzled by 东方明珠塔, a tower with an apex so sharp, it could pierce the sky—your first taste of invincible. You walk from end to boundless end, counting your steps, then losing count.

You are fascinated by this place you are learning to call home. By 美罗城—the mall in a crystal ball. By the huge Christmas tree outside of 港汇广场 with the sign that translates to DANGER DO NOT TOUCH. By the shophouses of 田子坊 that you will soon learn to tell apart. By the way the word 巨鹿路 rolls off your tongue—Giant Deer Street, you say to your mother. By your new 羽绒服—a striking red down jacket for the winter. By the club-house with a pool where you almost learnt to swim. By the episodes of 喜羊羊与灰太狼 that you now watch with your sister.

Everything is grand and endearing. You have never seen a billboard, and have to be dragged across the road as you stare at one.

At your new international school, there is a trampoline and a playground and a field with earthworms you will soon dangle in front of your new friends. There is a monkey bar where you learn to skip first, one bar, then two, bringing home fresh blisters on your hands. You learn Korean curse words, and algebra and how to light a Bunsen burner. You write your first poem and earn a badge for it. You get in trouble, and wish to leave. In the end, you are glad you had stayed. You start learning to play the 二胡, even though you’d wanted to learn the 笛子, really. Years later it will be the one thing from Shanghai that still belongs to you.

When it snows, you can see it from the canteen window. You are told that it rarely snows in Shanghai. The field, snowed over, is beautiful.

You now have a best friend here in Shanghai and a best friend back in Singapore. Your best friend in Shanghai has a best friend in Hong Kong. All your friends in Shanghai have friends somewhere else in the world. It is the way things are. You think it’s cool, but your best friend in Singapore thinks she has too many other friends in Singapore, for a friend like you who is from Singapore, but in Shanghai.

You and your best friend in Shanghai do not talk about departures.

*

The day you leave, you marvel at how quickly a place can become a home, and then at how quickly it has to stop being one. But you do not cry, you are not sad.

When you close your eyes, you can still picture everything: the way back to the apartment, the garden downstairs, stuffing your hand into the gap above the letterbox to get the mail, screaming at a classmate to 闭嘴—shut up. When you close your eyes, you are playing basketball with your friends. You are spending recess with your best friend in the school library. You are sneaking out of class to meet your sister in the toilet. You are zig-zagging through mazes of school buses to pass notes to the boy you like, who also happens to be the boy who likes you. You are spending bus rides home learning the careless sweeps of his handwriting and the careful folds of notebook paper.

You do not think you will ever forget. You do not think you will miss what you will always remember. Years later you will close your eyes to a painful emptiness and you will cry, then.

It is always like this. You love people you will miss for the rest of your life.

*

It is seven years later, when you see him again, but there is something about the night that makes you think that no time has passed. But you are not in Shanghai, you are in a café in Korea, sharing three hours with someone who could almost pass for a stranger now. When he hugs you, you are breathless with familiarity, wondering where all the time had gone.

You talk about friends you have not seen in years and people you no longer know. He tells you about his life now, and you tell him about yours, but mostly you just talk about the past. It is at once comforting and devastating.

You look at this boy you knew from another life, whom you liked so much, giddy with sadness.

*

We are in a train station and I do not want this end. It is good to see you. I am still shy, and you are still funny in the way that makes me jealous. You are still so smart, and you are holding me with a gaze so tender, it could break my heart.

There is so much I can say that also means so little. The old campus that no longer exists, the duck of your head when you are told to get out of the class, the duck of mine when you catch my eye. I am thinking of all the times we couldn’t have wished to stay—when you left to see your sick grandfather, when I left without looking back.

We are leaving again.

I want to ask you: how do we gather all this leaving and make a life out of it? But we already have.

*

Back in a city punctured by absence, I awaken to koel song, to the sound of rain ushering in monsoon season. I picture the soft morning hue draping over the feet of the people I love so much, and the sun rising along the skylines of the cities I love so much.

Goodbye in Chinese also means see you again.

I salt my knees, holding distance to the light, tracing the point where one lifetime ends and another begins. There is a heart heavy with forgetting, tender as memory.

再见—goodbye, 再见—see you again.

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JGeorge – ‘Pencil Shavings’

JGeorge’s poems appear or is forthcoming in several online and print journals, most recently in Mookychick, The Initial Journal, Active Muse, TROU Lit Mag, Peach Street Mag, The Martian Chronicles, and FishfoodMag, and the anthologies Boundless (Rio Grande Valley International Poetry Festival 2019) and Love, As We Know It (Delhi Poetry Slam). She currently lives in Pondicherry, where she is pursuing research at Pondicherry University.

 

Pencil Shavings

 

Every evening I find the shavings of your eye brow pencil

near the dressing mirror,

along with some talcum on the floor;

Like tiny pleated skirts of dancers on white snow, they stay.

The sharpenings of your pencil, for darkening your eyebrows.

Shreds of oiled skins from frequent touching shed down,

for some newer beginnings with sharper goals.

Each evening before you, your pencil is ready

with the blunt past chiseled and the rawness of the moment ready,

like mother, every day before you with a cup of coffee,

brimming with hope, I believe.

And your willingness to change papa, I see,

you shove the pencil into the darkest spot of the shelf,

after shading those lines to thick eyebrows – a perfect illusion.

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JGeorge – two poems

JGeorge’s poems appear or is forthcoming in several online and print journals, most recently in Mookychick, The Initial Journal, Active Muse, TROU Lit Mag, Peach Street Mag, The Martian Chronicles, and FishfoodMag, and the anthologies Boundless (Rio Grande Valley International Poetry Festival 2019) and Love, As We Know It (Delhi Poetry Slam). She currently lives in Pondicherry, where she is pursuing research at Pondicherry University.

 

Ambrosia

 

I walk a mile around the road, just to avoid the rickshaw and cut down expenses.

Ten rupees saved by walk –an offering I always keep for the roadside temple.

I do this almost every day without fail.

My daily pilgrimage to the Holy Shrine on tired legs;

I think of it as a penance for the guilt, for confessing sorrows,

and for sharing toasts.

One can see ideas and debates on living life rising as fumes above that roof –

The roof of the temple, by the corner of 7th Street in Choolaimedu.

Near a Neem tree, so pure, our holy temple stood – a modest tea shop for every commoner.

Nothing less than Ambrosia itself is a Chai flavored with friendship, I say,

lifting the weight of this daily routine at the altar like priest and his chalice.

Isn’t a glass of tea similar to the soothing touch of the oldest therapist working her long fingers on every mind?

Sipping this nectar – Heaven’s drink – down here on Earth.

I dare say, a day gone without Chai is blasphemy.

And I walk a mile around, to cut down expenses,

Now that my offering to the temple is done.

 

~

 

Letters

 

I remember we once agreed to meet every three days

like an international postcard mailed with a stamp pasted on its corner.

Just so, we could avoid the suspicion of evil eyes,

drilling their bore wells on our parched lands.

But you know well what happened as the fireflies flew between us,

Floating, Cupid’s portion glistening on their tiny backs, glowing for our nightly rendezvous,

making it flower, like miniature lanterns flocking;

reminding me of the neelakurinjis of the Shola forest –

purple and blue flowers blossoming once every seven years, phenomenally.

Isn’t that why we went back there each night – to find the swarming dots of light

and dip in the fragrance of wildness – the flowers and the rest?

By the way, those flowers over the climber, covering the tree

with that bench beneath, neatly tucked inside the shade was my favorite. Yours too.

That tree often reminded me of the black hair of an Indian bride bejeweled with white jasmines,

like snowflakes on summer mornings, the blend of warmth and whiteness of those nights;

We always hurried to hide behind her cascade of leaves,

like hungry locusts coming east during the summertime,

before the monsoons could range a battlefield of marshness,

before the land found us sauntering hand in hand,

and before reality dawned on us like the rain showers, unprecedented.

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Isabella Peralta – ‘a history of pronunciation’

Isabella Peralta is a writer, editor, and educator from the Philippines. Her work explores identity, diaspora, love, and belonging. As an advocate of racial and cultural diversity in literature and new media, she has worked for various literary organizations and platforms that champion underrepresented voices, including the Global Migrant Festival, Ayesha Pande Literary, and We Need Diverse Books. Her writing has appeared in publications such as HyphenAlluvium, Ricepaper, and Postscript.

 

a history of pronunciation

 

you chased younger sister around the province

stringing letters together like your mother’s only bracelet

your collection of words spilling from pockets:

the neighbor’s profanities in five-letter words,

the street vendor’s cries of balut and taho,

the seamstress’s snippets of iskandalo

 

older cousin helped to give each word a flavor

as they fizzed on your tongue like sari-sari store soda

pagsamo was durian from lola’s backyard,

sayang was sour as kalamansi rinds,

mahal dripped from your lips like sweet mango nectar —

a candy-coated profession of unrequited love

 

on your seventeenth birthday, your mouth grew numb

as the neighbor’s son kneeled, tarnished band in hand

nanay whispered promises of paradise into your hair

as you stood by the window before your rushed vows

you tossed your words into the endless sky

to become a blank canvas for the land of the free

 

three years before nanay died, your eldest daughter scribbled

on a black board as dark as the night you left home

flower and flour, tier and tire, affect and effect, altar and alter

you stumble over silent letters, tongue twisting with consonants,

each stutter a bitter seed rooting into your tongue

until the day you sacrificed speech, mouth brimming with buds

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Poetry, Translation, Uncategorized

Three poems by Cao Yu – translated by Ed Allen

Cao Yu (1910-1996) was one of China’s most renowned modern playwrights, achieving literary immortality through 《雷雨》Thunderstorm (1934) and 《日出》Sunrise (1936). He continued to publish throughout the Sino-Japanese War, including a Chinese translation of Romeo and Juliet in 1943. In his later life he was known for writing the historical drama 《王昭君》Wang Zhaojun (1978), but his attempts at promoting various regional operas, and in particular his later poetry, are less discussed. This small poetic oeuvre is collected in Vol. 6 of Cao’s Collected Works. They strike a rare chord of agony and beauty and hope, and have been discussed recently by Cao’s disciple Tian Benxiang (1932-2019) in the context of a “soul ardently hoping for freedom” (渴望自由的灵魂) (Theatre Arts 2010.6; English translation forthcoming) that characterised his teacher. The current year marks the 110th anniversary of Cao Yu’s birth, as well as significant anniversaries for other playwrights and institutional directors of the early modern theatre movement in China, inspiring more wide-ranging re-evaluations of these figures’ comprehensive work, ambitions, and ideas.

The original Chinese is presented here with permission from his daughter and memoirist Wan Fang, with gratitude.

 

Baby-Blue-Eyes

 

I don’t need you calling me pretty

I don’t like you saying I look good.

I’m just an everyday flower,

Rich heart, damp petals.

You praised me as a babe,

Lifted me to the sky.

My heart moved for you,

I was forthright.

Halfway you stomped me beneath you,

Saying I was base.

Finally I understood,

You’d turned your back.

I fear your flowery talk,

Fear more when you say I look good.

I’m a stupid girl,

Whom you won’t trick again.

23/12/1991 at Beijing Hospital

Note: Baby-Blue-Eyes is a small flower brought over from Brazil, where it is found everywhere; it has the fiercest vitality, its small flowers opening in every season.

 

玻璃翠

 

我不需要你说我美,

  不稀罕你说我好看。

  我只是一朵平常的花,

  浓浓的花心,淡淡的瓣儿。

  你夸我是个宝,

  把我举上了天。

  我为你真动了心,

  我是个直心眼。

  半道儿你把我踩在地下,

  说我就是贱。

  我才明白,

  你是翻了脸。

  我怕你花言巧语,

  更怕你说我好看。

  我是个傻姑娘,

  不再受你的骗。

 

  一九九一年十月二十三日于北京医院

 

附注:玻璃翠是由巴西带进来的一种极普通的小草花,生命力极强,一年四季开着小花。

 

~

Gone Old

 

You’re no longer young,

You’re no longer a flower;

Your face has deep folds,

White hair dying your entire temples.

You sorrowfully lock your brow-scar,

And at night toss and turn, unsleeping.

Just like me you can’t sleep,

You whisper and sigh, afraid of alarming me awake.

The old man on the sickbed,

Constantly on your mind.

I shake and you’re startled –

What nightmare shocked the heart so?

You are coruscating sunset,

I am cold ice on a borderless lake;

Its cold surface reflects your face,

Vivacious fish beneath the ice are deep passion.

We’re old, both.

The cracking dawn shines on the still surface.

You’re eternally unforgettable!

One day I’ll close my eyes.

We are both night’s fireflies,

Those shining stars are us.

18/12/1995, Beijing Hospital

 

老了

 

你再不年轻,

  你再不像朵花;

  你脸上有深深的皱纹,

  白丝染遍你的耳鬓。

  你愁锁着眉痕,

  夜半你辗转不眠。

  你和我一样睡不着,

  你低声叹息,怕我惊醒。

  病床 上的老人,

  时时在你心中。

  我颤抖,你惊起来,

  作了什么噩梦,这样心惊?

  你是绚丽的晚霞,

  我是无边湖上的寒冰;

  寒冷的湖面反映着你的脸,

  冰下活泼泼的鱼是深情。

  我们老了,都老了。

  残霞照着静静的湖冰。

  永远忘不了你啊,

  有一天我闭上眼睛。

  我们是黑夜的萤火,

星星发亮的正是我们。

 

~

The Free Man

 

The thunder rumbles out the narrow valley, each wild prairie grass trembles,

I hear the wind roaring, dark clouds from the murky sky

press fiercely on my head.

Cloud stickiness distends,

That’s the dragon sticking out his long tongue, that’s his tail.

Like endless hooks hooking my eyes, heart, ears and my hands.

The earth spits fire,

My whole body burns.

The flood bursts, the downpour a pierced awl awling my back

But I roar high skywards: “Come! Torture me harder!”

The land trembles, towers, stones and cement collapse, buries my whole body.

The earth has stuffed my throat

I call high skywards: “Come, I’m not afraid, you won’t keep me down!

You’re no dragon, no match for a snake even, I won’t be bowled over!”

I’ve seen the sun, the round globe of fire rising from the horizon.

I am a human, a human not dead,

Beneath the sunlight was the earth, the free air warming me and all.

I stood,

 Because I am the free man on whom the sun shines.

 

雷从峡谷里滚响,莽原的每一棵草在哆嗦,

我听见风吼,黑云从乌暗的天空

猛压在头顶。

从云里垂下来一些黏糊糊的,

那是龙吐出的长舌,那是龙的尾巴。

像无数的钩钩住我的眼睛、心、耳和我的手。

地上喷出火,

我的全身在燃烧。

洪水泛滥,暴雨像尖锥锥透我的背,

我向天高吼:“来!再狠狠地折磨我!”

大地颤抖,高楼、石头、水泥塌下来,掩埋了我全身。

土塞住了我的喉咙,

我向天高喊:“来吧,我不怕,你压不倒我!”

你不是龙,连一条蛇都不配,吓不倒我!’

我看见了太阳,圆圆的火球从地平线上升起。

我是人,不死的人,

阳光下有世界,自由的风吹暖我和一切。

我站起来了,

因为我是阳光照着的自由人。

 

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